Everything's Shit On Channel Dave

No I'm not laying into repeats of Topgear and QI, Jeremy Clarkson may be turning from someone you'd kick in the queue at the Newsagent to someone who is fully deserving of ritual disembowelment, James May seems to be taking over television like some sort of Labrador shaped cancer and Richard Hammond may be the single worst example of humanity ever to write a really fucking awful memoir but Alan Davies' hair and support for our campaign mitigates this dreadfulness. The other Channel Dave however is broadcast from the home of a shitty wanker. Cameron's response to Cleggmania in tonight's emergency PEB is like watching a low budget Richard Curtis film while being hit in the head with a hammer made of his own sense of self satisfaction. The message? 'Only I can turn the nation into a land of dilligent little cub scouts who feed the elderly, teach geography to arsonists and drink tea in open necked shirts in well kept gardens whilst growing their own ochra.' that and the word 'change' repeatedly. Bashed into the unwitting masses' skulls with a runcible spoon. David Bowie or Tupac should sue. Dave even makes a face. 'See how it'll change if I scrunch my bulbous features earnestly enough' is no doubt now a cornerstone of the conservative campaign. It's not a match for Nick 'Theroux's fag' Clegg and I think he should apologise for putting the nation it's TV dinner.

Cameron Cleggs it up

I told those bastards, well I would have told those bastards if I didn't have so much contempt for them that I wouldn't piss on their duck house if it was on fire, which it was by the way because I set fire to the fucker. What I didn't tell those bastards was common knowledge to most Labour and neutrals 45 minutes into the debate on Thursday. I say Labour and neutral because Lib Dem supporters were blinded by the solar wind coming out of St Nick's colon and Tories were still trying to claim that their man didn't look like a sweaty divorcee at a speed dating session where he's realised that no one really likes him. What did we realise? That this was fucking brilliant. We've been fighting a defensive strategy for months. People fucking hate Gordon, we know that Mandy knows that, even Gordon I think knows that. It's been all we can do over the past two years to get people to treat him as a politician rather than a child murderer. We've been fighting a defensive strategy. We're a shit boyfriend, who's worked out that if we spend one more night down the pub then it's good night fucking Innverness, but we're back baby, and it'll be different this time. That flash git Dave had a chance at turning your eyes but not any more, he's proved he's worse than us and with some horrible mates and without the good times. The rise of Clegg changes nothing, we've got our record to defend and we'd rather defend it against Nick, who we would quite like if he wasn't trying to buy you a drink, and because we love you baby, we're glad that if you were to do the unimaginable and leave us for someone who doesn't like Al Jolson, it would be Nick.
Dave on the other hand has to convince a lot of people who think he's a twat that he isn't quite such a vacuous area of filth, and as for his mates. The day Michael Howard, John Redwood and Ann widdecombe become votewinners I'll shag Diane Abbot! Little Nicky exemplifies this, even if people dislike us, they hate you more and this is the point, you've got a lot of convincing to do boyos, we haven't, people know our record and we'll defend it. People hate us for our mistakes, they fucking hate you full stop.